We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.