You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
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Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.