Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ