Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.