Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
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I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses