I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog