Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.