Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?