so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."