my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?