My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.