My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.