Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
