If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'