I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.