I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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