the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are my feet made of real feet?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate