you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.