You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dating After Heartbreak
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.