I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
don't judge my taste in strippers
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?