Texts from October, 2014

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• (502): View more from Kentucky

  the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...

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• (254): View more from Texas

  Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that

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• (714): View more from California

  Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing

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• (947): View more from Michigan

  if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee

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• (678): View more from Georgia

  I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head

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• (909): View more from California

  He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.

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• (530): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other

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