why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.