First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
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i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore