i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?