Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...