Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
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Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...