It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Did I show you my penis last night?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.