It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Did I show you my penis last night?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.