I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.