I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.