I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.