They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth