I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning