I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.