Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.