Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.