Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.