I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!