Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...