Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
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Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.