I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
