Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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