Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
