Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
