At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
