No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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