She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
