I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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