Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Church boner. Awkwardddd
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she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position