Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
