Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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