My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
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She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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