Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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