take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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