yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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