OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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