The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we're making bets on your personal life
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Holy shit dude........stairs
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
