Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
