Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
