So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
